Behind Every Smile...

Baii
Wednesday, June 14, 2006

am guna make a new bloggie...:D
http://dolphinmaieh.livejournal.com
I have a new life now so i will stop living in the past..:3

Dreams....^^
Monday, May 29, 2006

Actually alot of things happend to me..but i'll start about yesterday...
Well you see we went swimming in Tropical..our whole church youth. At first i was really not enjoying coz its starting to get boring, but when i tried diving on the diving board....WAHA! i cant stop no more!!!xD... that diving board is really something...its kinda weird...but i loved the feeling...Its as if i was so free under water...it was like 8 feet kasi, it was double my size! it was that deep...and the feeling of slowy going up the surface is the best part...It was as if i was flying, the feeling was so serene, imagine this...Your in the beach alone,sitting on the sand only hearing the ocean waves and dolphin sounds and birds flying, and the breeze of the soft wind through your face... that's what i felt...i felt so...happy and free... i have no idea why i felt that...but the feeling was just awesome.. i felt like i was breathing under water... the feeling was so deep though it was only in the pool... it was a great feeling...:)

Well after some more divings, a guy asked for my number...i was like..."di nga?...ows.." i was very doubtful, but it was true and that guy was so cute! hehe he looks like anime, and i met him once in church but didnt talk to him... then i got "kilig" coz he was cute nga... At first i didn't care coz alot of girls had interest on him dun sa pool, so i thought..."i bet he's not interested in me" but i was wrong...he was! and he won't stop complimenting me and wont stop being sweet and all that... he's a good guy, charming and he's so anime! for some reason i cant stop thinking of him yesterday and today! i dont know why...but then my friends came again and we wer in the roof top, and they gave me chocolates..so i got so hyper! so i was uber kilih when that anime cute dude called me...anyway! then me, gela, and jamie used th net and went to youtube.com hehe we had fun watching the videos and annoying a guy in ym....then i saw a kaleido star clip. So when they left i watched the clip and got inspired again! i'm so inspired that i'm so excited to start my day tomorrow!:D hehe... then i just remembered...after i talked to that anime cute dude yesterday...the serene feeling i had about the pool disappread...and i tried diving and diving but i cant get my rythmn back! i didnt know wat went wrong...then i just realized now, that its because i lost focus...Then i made a choice now...that i will not allow this cute anime dude to interfere with my dreams...and preoccupy my mind about him...so i decided to focus on my dreams again...i'm right on track again! i'm so happy...:) i guess, God really wants to help me pursue my dreams now..and He wouldn't let any guy crash my dreams...:) coz my dreams are for Him..and no one else...and a random person txted me this quote which really made me realize that God wants my focus back...i mean of all the quotes i can receive why this right? hehe just read the friggin' quote..and you'll know what i mean...:)

"No man wil evr claim u unless he claims u from Me. For i resrvd a man for u, hu has My heart & loves Me evn more than he wil love u. For i wont giv u unless he asks u from Me. He's asleep. Dnt wake him, he's busy for Me, for My kingdom. Soon u wil knw him...but in My perfect timing. u're My princess, My daughter. Let NO prince claim u unles he asks u from My hand, for I am ur Father, the King of kings. You, my princess r worth waiting for. I love you!" -Jesus

when i read this i got kilig and said to God," Lord...kilig ako..hehe...my prince will come someday, after i reached my dreams..."

Lipstick
Friday, May 12, 2006

Wahh... i'm so frustrated now... i just came from a wedding, which i should be happy. Well honestly at first i was really happy, we we're all having fun, especially when me and my friends started teasing each other... Then there was this guy! he was so cute and everything! It could've made my day... BUt no...

Asking why i'm so sad? coz i lost my favorite lipstick! you may say that i'm so "babaw" but that lipstick is important to me and actually its the only lipstick i want... And that lipstick was from my mom, and its worth 800 something...i mean that's the first time my mom ever gave me something that is so expensive, and i lost it?! I ANNOYINGLY LOST IT!!! i hate myself i felt so down i wanted to crush my own things... i mean that lipstick is so important to me...and i lost it...i don't know if i misplaced it or someone got it in my bag, coz there were a bunch of teen girls looking at my bag..i mean why the lipstick? why not take the cell!!! i feel so horrible that i wanted to cry and cry...i'm so tired of me being irresponsible, tired of me forgetting stuff in a snap, tired of me being the baby...i mean i want to grow up already! i'm 16 for my sake i should be responsible now! i feel so irresponsible...i wanted to cry...

So i told Jesus about how much i want to change, to be a responsible person. Then i was about to start and cry, but no Jesus didn't allow it... coz when i was about to cry, i felt Him...and whispered the words, "trust me"...a big smile came out of my face, i mean yah! trust Him...i forgot all about trusting Him..coz i felt so alone. But then He was there...He helped me, He placed a smile on my face when no one else can...I mean i'm feeling Jesus more and more...and each day i feel that He's there beside me waiting for me to trust Him...and now i will trust Him...no matter how much i'll feel bad it'll do nothing but pain, but Jesus was there, He took my pain...i mean now i want to cry, but not because of pain but because of joy...i can't explain how much i want to thank Jesus...He's right here beside me but i couldn't reach Him...there's something blocking my relationship with Him...and i will find out what it is so i can finally reach Him...but now all i have is trust, and i trust Jesus that He'll do something about that lipstick...:)

Yihee...
Sunday, May 07, 2006

I just made a dream, a goal... and that is, to fight in a singing competition soon...it'll boost up my courage...:D

Ouchie...

This day is really something...for some reason i got hurt again today because of a guy... its not Kylie...its someone else...i might seem proud or mayabang in this post...but i just have to let it out..

There's this guy whom i liked before... we became good friends and eventually i got a crush on him, but he has a girl friend. For me that's ok coz its just a crush, but it was a big deal to his girlfriend. So i just stopped talking to him..after a year i txted him, just asking if he's ok. I found out that he broke up with his gf after i stopped talking to me him...he said its me who he loves... weird story ei? anyway, at this rate i was lyking Kyle and my childhood friend... i'm in 1st yr high by this time. I told him that i like someone else, and well he said he was going to wait for me...there we had ALOT of fights concerning our beliefs and feelings..he's a catholic... anyway there was one time i said bye and we didn't talk for awhile, but then he asked for a chance for us to be friends again, so i accepted it. Until today we are friends and for some reason this year he is so anxious to tell me his love for me... but i can't love him back. I mean i don't like him at all, maybe as a friend and nothing else..not even as an older brother anymore... He makes poems, stories for me that really makes my heart melt and yet i just can't like him...i've been trying to end our friendship but it kept on coming back...i've been hurt alot of times because of this guy, he thinks he makes me happy when he just makes me sad...well at times he makes me happy...but he wants me to be happy when he isn't..i mean who could be happy in that way?...Today i got hurt again because of him...he even said "you think that'll help me oh song of god?" i mean that's so insulting...my name means song of God and he's insulting my name just because he's hurt? I tried helping him out coz he has been condemning himself...but no! he even hates me for helping him...actually the reason why i couldn't break our friednship down is because...he has this suicidal side that's really killing me... i've been in this sort of thing before too his name is "Emil" hey not emil lapiz...i had a hard time letting go of our friendship coz he also loves me daw and he'd die if he lose me...it took a year before "Emil" finally found a gf and let me go...and he's still my friend now...anwyay after the emil incident (i was grde 5 then) after a year this guy came (i'm grde 6) and i thought my sufferings ended, but no! here comes another guy with a suicidal attitude... now i'm having a hard time again...he's telling me now that if it makes me happy he'd kill himself so my pains would end...if he was infront of me i could've punch him...now i have no idea what to do...i want to ask help from friends but they might get in trouble too so i won't risk anyone... All i want is to have a crush on a guy...i don't want these kind of guys who'd die for me just because i can't love them back?!... i knw that they might just be kidding..but hello? almost all his friends are telling me to talk to him coz he's been tormenting himself!...i don't know why...i don't want these things to happen to me just because i had a simple crush with a guy...like "Emil" and this guy now...i mean they're older than me! i mean they're both like 3 yrs older than me...All is ok with "Emil" but with this guy now...its drowning my heart..

I feel like i don't want to love anyone ever...i mean a guy...'coz i might just end up like this everytime...and i don't like it...i had crushes and M.U.'s...but love? now that's differnt and its something i don't want to think about yet...i want friendship and intimates not boyfriends...now i know why i became a man hater before, i should've just continued that...oh well...my whole world is lost right now and it just became loster because of this guy...i feel so down...and lost...

EDIT:
MWahaha Jesus just made me realize soemthing...He said...that why should i worry wbout these things? when i know he's in control..:) haha tama nga nmn! rarr the only reason i get hurt coz i don't depend on Him and i dont have much faith in Him..but now i know!!RARR wahaha am back! but still lost but not in this topics anymore..xD

Confused...

For the past few days my mind is so busy, that it kept me quiet for awhile... i have no idea what's up with my mind, its like there's this wall that won't let new things come in...i really need my dad right now, i hope he comes home na...anwyay, i've been trying to get rid of my past thoughts but then i couldn't..its as if my life is so, messed up...

Well come to think of it, i don't have a goal in life...And i realize that i haven't given my best on anything i've done...it's kind of weird, but really its true. Its as if my life has no path, its lost.

I'm feeling that i'm turning to someone, that i'm not... For some reason i don't know what i want to be anymore...i can't find the same old shiriel that i knew once... its as if i turned into someone different, which i do not like. The old shiriel i knew always had a bright smile, but now i could only find fake smiles... The once balanced sweet me, is turning into a sweetie freak who can't contorl herself... The once childish me i know is now turning into a proud person... Who am i? i cannot find the real me, i can't show the real me anymore, actually i'm lost.

There's terribly something wrong with me, or i'm just starting to realize the otehr side of me. I'm so lost right now, in my attitude, in my relation with God and friends, and with my own dreams... i have no goal...its just not me... before i'm someone who doesn't give up, but why now?! why am i giving up too fast now? is this me? I can't even solve a single problem, coz i turn away from it immediately...is this what you call fear? but what do i fear?... i just wish i could find answers...but why couldn't I?...My head is so mixed up now...even in my church ministries i don't know what to do..i backed off from the Worship team and the sunday school team and even youth because of this summer sickness im having...This all started a week before my birthday...

I really wonder what God is planning for me...but one thing i'm sure of...i'm lost right now, unable to find the right path... its as if i'm hungry for something, its as if i'm searching for joy, its as if i feel that something is missing in me... but i have no idea how to feed this hunger, to find this search, or to fill this emptiness....i have no idea where i am now, i feel that i'm a small child looking for my parents, a lost child looking fro comfort, a lost child looking for love... i don't get it...i just don't..

Oops! btw!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006

About my mom! hehe i just realized...that it was my mistake...i mean even if i feel awkward towards her...i should've talked to her...i mean she's just protecting me...i should be ashamed of what i've done..well i am but i know Jesus has forgiven me...:) my mom loves me and i know that this is for my own good...i mean i never told her that i'd never do those things in those love stories...i mean i should tell her "Mom, i promise you, i won't ever kiss a guy till i know he is the one Jesus has given me..." i mean a simple phrase like that could've made my mom smile...but no i didn't coz i thought it was "kiddish" when in reality i'm just ignorant and proud...:P ehehe now i have to understand my mom and stop making her understand me...coz if i always make her udnerstand me i'm going to be a baby forever but if i move and udnerstand her that'll prove that i am a teen now who is repsonsible enough to know how to fix a problem and to mature...im not saying i'm mature now! but...I'm on my way....:)

Now i Know...ü

Now i know why i felt so down yesterday..at first i thought it was because Kylie didn't go to my bday...but when i asked myself and prayed...i finally realized that i was missing Jesus...and that i He wants me to be back to Him...^^...ofcourse i was like..why am i sad for no reason? well now i know the reason.. my birthday is about Jesus...i mean i'm alive now because of Him right? 'coz He died for me on that cross... My birthday isn't really about me...its about Him... realizing His great love for me...My birthday shoudl be about Him not mine...:) Jesus is my everything... i mean i enjoyed my friends being there, particullarly just my barkada coz i didn't have the money to invite all my friends...ehehe but for some reason i felt incomplete yesterday even when the day ended...i mean i was having a fake smile all day long..really i did...i was wondering..if someone noticed my tears behind my smile...i mean even if Kylie was there i know i'd have those tears...i loved my friend's gifts to me...especially Gela's...ehehe when i opened her letter for me i eventually cried! haha weird...but i did...i mean i never thought those simple homemade gifts i give them really make them smile...i mean i want everyone to smile without tears behind them...then i also loved the book she gave me...and that book helped me realize that my birthday is about Him... i read the first chapter and i got so excited to read my Bible and talk to Jesus...actually i'm planning to talk to Him again tonight...:) there up in the roof..where i could feel his warm breeze... Jesus really does talk to us through The Bible...i mean i was reading JOhn 1...i mean i've been reading that...but when i read it verbally with my whole heart...it was differnent...i read it as if i never read it before...and that's when i kenw Jesus was talking to me...at the end of the chapter it was like "The heavens opened upon my eyes" i mean when i read that, i felt Jesus so much that i knew i'd see heaven open in this age of mine...

sixteen...i am legally 16 years old... i mean yeah its normal for any teen to turn "sweet 16" but as of i said...for me its differnt...this 16 thing is for some reason very improtant to me...i mean i can't explain it...but this 16 thing is a big thing for me something that'll change me...something that'll chaneg my life...i'm kind of excited..i've never been excited in my whole life...i mean i'm feeling that this year is going to be different...i jsut know i'm going to change...Gela's book for me helped me to choose to change...it didn't change me...coz my change depends on me and Jesus...i mean i choose to change and i know Jesus will help me...:) i have this hunger in my heart, love...i've been searching for satisfaction for it..but i know only Jesus can fill the satisfaction of my heart... i talk to Jesus as my bestfriend...i talk to Him verbally with an open heart...if He could be my only friend whom i can talk to, it'll be so much joy... i talk verbally to Jesus i don't talk to myself...:P if you know whta i mean...anwyay! Gela thanks you've helped me...:) ehehe...now i can really ,move on...i can move on towards Jesus' purpose and path for me...:)

Happy Birthday to me...
Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Today's my birthday...and for some reason...i feel sad...i feel like crying...i have no idea why....i feel friggin' sad... today's my day..shouldn't i be happy?...i have no idea why i can't even smile today...when i woke up...i feel like not getting up...i feel like hiding myself in my own blanket...i have no idea why i feel sad...& hurt...this is so weird...i mean for the past years when its my birthday i feel so happy and excited..and for some reason now...i juts want this day to pass immediately...its as if i don't like this day...why do i feel like this?...its so weird...i feel like hiding and crying...so much for a great day...heh...i shall drown myself with drawings today and tomorrow to let go of this depression...im 16 now..shoudln't i be happy?...but why do i seem so down and hurt?...

My heart is being crushed...
Friday, April 28, 2006

if you ask me...i like watching love stories...no joke...i mean it can make you feel better and all when you feel down..and sometimes it even inspires you to write or to draw or simply sing... but i really hate watching "love" movies with my parents...

Yeah i feel good coz of the happy ending... but after the movie i try to rush out of the room when i watch with my parents...coz they always give me a lecture...just like now... i didn't have the chance to flee from them...i got scolded again! man i hate watching movies with them.... we watched "never been kissed" i mean i like it coz yeah my mom's right i must preserve my "kiss" for the "one" but why does she have to scold me?! i mean at first we were talking nicely but ofcourse i really feel awkward about those kinds of topics... i mean i have NO plan to kiss a guy not even when i turn 18! come to think of it..im not even planning to have a boyfriend! and for crying out loud she told me not to have a crush too! i mean HELLO?! i know that! rarrr...if she just know how i feel...i really won't ever get close to my mom...and now she's SUPER MAD! banging all the doors and shouting at me coz of that stupid movie... grr i hate it when she bangs the doors! i don't even do that! im so angry now... i mean yah i wna be open to her! but once did i opne to her about kylie and she didn't even listen! she didn't cared she slept on me! leaving me to telling my stories to me dad! if she knew how hurt i was at that time! i was so hurt! and now she tells me this Kiss crush stuff?! its just so annoying!!!!!!!i mean i enjoyed that movie...and now its all crushed coz of her friggin' mood swing!! and now my dad wants me to apologize to her for the reason that i was talkign to her not the proper way..HELLO?! I WAS FEELING AWKWARD! WHAT DID SHE WANT ME TO DO!?!? garr i feel so mad now...i mean what she said had sense i know....but the way she said it?! its so anoying...if seh just know...now i feel like i shouldn't have a crush..i mea we should obey our parents wether we like it or not..

she's right maybe i don't deserve a crush.... well i said bye to Kylie already so i guess i don't have a crush anymore..:) and i won't have one! hehe its hard i know but...I'M STILL HUMAN!!! what can i do?! i tend to have crushes!!!! she's so mean...:( oh well...maybe she'll udnerstand me someday..when i start udnerstanding her....hey i tried understanding her but she brings back all the kindness i show her...i mean i'm scared of doing stuff for her now...coz i fear rejection..and she has been rejecting my kindness..i mean if your ever in my place? your gona cry your heart out trying evrything to please and be close to your mom but she's too close and cold because of the mistake my sister did...hah..blaming all the facts on me...anyway i feel emo right now must stop writing...im guna Cg first to let my anger free..